Feeling Desire

A friend left this post to my last post and I loved the observation:

Thanks for this. I feel stuck in the same place. Realizing that where I’m at isn’t where I need to be, but not having any idea how to move out of that place. And how to allow God to extend grace to me in the middle of not being “there yet.” (My response is below)

I am realizing that learning to “be” in that place where “we are not where we need to be” is the first part of it. Because we often strive and do things to try to make ourselves not “feel” our depravity, we have to learn to rest in God’s grace and effectively “do” nothing (at least not the old, self-medicating actions that come so easy). Then, I can begin to enjoy God for His intense love and grace & wait for Him to satisfy me. I have great, incredible desires to be “holy”, to love others well, to be loved fully & those things are only satisfied completely in eternity. So, the satisfaction now comes in “tastes” and previews of eternity, but the only hope in getting that “taste” is when my desires go unmet and my heart is directed toward heaven.

Learning to feel true desire is the place where I am on the journey. Learning that I have deep desires and that nothing outside of Christ can satisfy allows me to love others (because I stop demanding that they meet my needs), to be loved by God (because I stop trying to gain love and acceptance from that which has been created), to wait for God (because I stop believing that anything else can satisfy).

Vanishing Independence

Brennan Manning makes a great observation: “Do we have any inner resources at the moment when we are accosted by the Holy One…? Immediately our credentials of independence vanish, and we cease to carry ourselves with the swagger of the executive who knows what’s up and has all under control; we become aware of innate poverty, our next-breath dependence, and a numbness that invades the roots of our littleness and realness.”

I shared with a friend today that it hasn’t been a good day … I realized that as I am continually unmasked and aware of old strategies (strategies through which I find my identity, significance, strength, or hope outside of Christ) for doing life, I struggle because I can’t hide there anymore but I find myself not knowing how to do things in new ways.

When in denial, I can keep going back to strategies such as feeling competent, working hard, being nice, getting approval from others, performing well in given tasks, etc & while I may not actually be fulfilled or satisfied, I keep going back because of the false (although trusted) promise.

Out of denial, I can’t use those strategies because I see them for what they are. However, I now find myself trying to learn a new way - the way of restfully trusting Jesus. As I move forward, I realize that I don’t know how to do that very well — much of what I’ve called trusting Him in the past has actually been doing things “for Him” but really still trying to get desires filled through approval, working hard (see the list above). While actions may change, the heart hasn’t.

So, in this last month of seeing some of the idolatries in my life - I realize that identification is merely the first steps on the journey. Now, I learn to be still and allow desire to wait for Christ. In many ways, I feel like its a detox of sorts. I’ve been using the drugs in the list above and my old familiar, friends aren’t so friendly anymore. (It is amazing and humbling that years into the journey of following Christ - I am still learning in deeper and deeper ways things I have had tastes of in the years before — He graciously and patiently keeps putting me back on the path)

“A human being is a longing for God and nothing less than God will satisfy us; the seductive voices that would make us anything less than this are to be resisted.” Exploring Spiritual Direction by Alan Jones

I Love Technology

“I love technology, but not as much as you, you see, always and forever.” These are words sung by the enigmatic Kip Dynamite (fictional silver screen character from the cult classic Napoleon Dynamite) to his wife on their wedding day. Technology dominates life in the west and increasingly on every square inch of our globe. In the middle of Africa, where there was no running water, indoor toilets, or electricity, phone cards (for mobile phones) were on sale at the local market. 

However, even with advances around the globe, I still spent a week with virtually no technology (or, at least, no ability to use it) and it can really open the eyes. At the same time, I’m reading a book by Eugene Peterson in which he identifies “attentiveness to God” as the most important reality in life. To illustrate the reason for our ineptness in this area, he retells the story of the mythical Greek god Prometheus. In the early days of mankind, man knew the day he would die and it provided a sobriety and groundedness to life. Because of some cosmic squabble, Prometheus became upset with Zeus and decided that he would reverse man’s awareness of his mortality and also introduce fire. The result was that man no longer saw his life as finite, but now limitless opportunities appeared in front of him. In addition, with fire (technology), man now had the illusion of being able to accomplish the limitless possibilities. Peterson makes the comment that man no longer sees himself as human, but as a god who is able to control life and death (or, at least dull the effects of a life/world that is aging).

I had a friend last week comment on how much of our lives are centered anesthetizing us from the reality that life is dying. Anti-aging drugs, remodeling our homes, and eating “organic foods” can all be technologies that we use to give us a sense of control and movement toward limitless possibilities. The idea that pervades is “if I can just get a little faster computer or a nicer car or a better cell phone plan, then …” We are so wooed and wowed by the promise of technology. And, at its core, the insidious nature of technology is that the use of it, in and of itself, can keep us so busy that we never have to think and engage and consider reality. And this is where we find ourselves today … worshipping technology because it can give us a sense of control and dominance over our lives — or, at the very least, something to dull the pain of an empty, dying life.

For me, the idea of “worshipping technology” (of it being an idol) seemed difficult until I realized that my phone or my email or TV or the internet is where my mind goes most often when it is idol. What I worship is where my mind goes when there is nothing to distract or occupy it … so, what do I do? I know that technology is not inherently evil or worthy of complete abandonment - it is an issue of my heart and how I choose to interact. So, I’m choosing to look at my heart throughout the day and consider how I’m interacting with things. Before my trip to Africa, my wife gave me a rock to put in my pocket as a reminder to think about her when I was gone (not that I needed a reminder, but it was a kind gift). So, I’m keeping that rock in my pocket to remind me that listening to God/being attentive to him to more important than being attentive to my email or who won American Idol or what song is number one on iTunes.

In Jeremiah 2:13, God says that we have committed two evils: 1. we forsake Him (we quit being attentive and believing that He alone can satisfy), and 2. we dig broken cisterns that cannot hold water. The great truth that I need to remember is that nothing else can promise what God can. There is only one creator - only one who is worthy - only one who can satisfy my soul - only one for whom I was made.

Reflections on Idolatry

Below are some reflections while on my trip in Sudan:

May 19
Being here in Africa (South Sudan) is incredible. I taught today in the Bible School. The students ranged in age from 18 to 45 & they were so hungry for the word of God. As I began to teach through the book of Daniel, I was stunned by the easy application of the text to the lives of the students. They’ve experienced war and exile. They deal with traditional tribal beliefs in spirits and the seeming need to appease them everyday. However, the idols in the West are scarcely recognizable and people tend to not be open to spiritual realities. Any of our ‘religious’ activity is usually more a philosophy of how like works than it is a real encounter with spiritual realities. Even as Christians, in the West, we can be very resistant to real, spiritual power … I observe that often we just see God as a means to an end rather than a real person with whom we must wrestle and grapple, etc

Everyting is spiritual … there are no “nice, neat” divisions between physical and emotional and spiritual. It is all intertwined and interconnected … oh Father, I long to know that and live that reality.

Tuesday May 20, 11.30pm (I wrote the following note to my wife)
Jenifer, I have been overwhelmed with the ways in which so many of the every day things of our lives anesthetize us from feeling. Without even knowing, things like TV allow me to go to sleep without feeling joys or pain. I’ve felt a longing for you that I might not have felt if I had the ability to tune out. The Africans are so hungry for the word of God. The Bible students barely have one Bible and if they have any other materials, they carry them everywhere. I want to eliminate things that dull my senses - things that dull my appetite for God. I know that I have an apetite for Him but it is often dulled. I know that I have an apetite/a desire for intimacy with you but it is often dulled as well in everyday life in America.

In my desire to understand the idols in my life … one of my first conclusion is that technology is an idol that I worship because it “rescues” me/saves me from feeling the harshness of life. More on these thoughts in a coming post - but I’m becoming keenly aware that part of interacting with God is honestly experiencing the pains of life.

Trip to Sudan

I just returned from a twelve day trip to Sudan - it was quite an experience. Check out some photos from my trip at http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=38198&l=1b822&id=665101642.

I spent most of my time teaching at the Bible school/seminary. Pretty amazing.

NOTE: I’ve been journalling some thoughts from my trips/reflections on idolatry and will be posting in the next few days — no internet access in Sudan!

The Idolatry of Pride

As I begin to ponder the issue of idolatry, the issue of control keeps coming up again and again.

 

God is in control of all things … this is a critical truth and unfortunately, it is often uttered in clichéd tones in which it loses any real substance. However, it is perhaps the most centering, humbling reality in the journey of following Christ.

 

I was struck once again by how much I believe I am in control of my life. While the ability to make choices (the question of man’s freedom to act) is very real, it is set within the context of God’s sovereign goodness. My ability to make choices has its origin in God and the desire to make good choices comes from him as well.

 

In a conversation with a friend over the weekend, I was able to delve a bit deeper into the reality that what I worship is very connected to the issue of control. Fundamentally, if I believe I have control over my life and can alter the course of events through “good decision making” and “right living,” then I have set myself upon a course of prideful interactions in which I am functionally the god of my own little moralistic universe.

 

This damages my relationship with God because he becomes simply an instrument to help me keep things under control (ah, the arrogance). This damages my relationships with others because rather than living interdependently and allowing others to affect me – I keep my distance, expecting others to function as gods of their universes as I do mine.

 

However, when I choose rest in God’s sovereignty and surrender to that reality – I am free to love. Love God – because I enjoy his sovereign goodness – not trying to earn it or be something I am not. Love others – because I can simply seek to share Christ – not because I want to show them how well I make choices but because I am in love with the God who controls all things!

 

All the energy spent in trying keep things under control can be redirected to seeking to know others and love them right where they are. The idolatry of pride is quite expensive.

 

“If God contains the fullness of all good things in himself like an inexhaustable fountain, nothing beyond him is to be sought by those who strike after the highest good and all the elements of happiness.”
–John Calvin

The Shack

The book, The Shack, has caused quite a stir among those who’ve read it and even among many who haven’t. The stir for many is that they’ve been challenged to consider God (the trinity) and their relationship with him in new ways - refreshing ways - deepening ways. For others, the stir is that The Shack is not accurate theologically - perhaps heretical. The link below is to a post written by a good friend who is as concerned with accurate theology as I am and deeply concerned about engaging our God. Read - enjoy … think!

http://www.lifetime.org/question-about-shack-n-17.html

Invisible Idols

Next week, I travel to Southern Sudan for a 12 day mission trip. In preparing for the trip, I re-read a couple of articles that I’d been given last year when I went to Sudan. The two articles affected me profoundly. The first discussed that we will encounter a spiritualism in Africa that is very outward … people worship tree stumps and use charms to ward off/appease the spirits. So, in reaching out with the gospel of Christ, we need to be aware of the issue of “power” and how significant that is … and in encouraging those who are following Christ - we have to be aware of how easy it is to “fall back” into making a sacrifice or wearing a charm to appease a spirit. All of the “spiritualism” is centered around trying to control one’s world and make things “go well.”

In all of this, I sensed that God was saying — Ted, what are your idols? What are the things that you use to try to control your world? The difficult thing about the question is that the idols of “the west” are very internal/invisible and the means of worship often involved “everything things” that could be used in non-idolatrous ways. For example, I may attempt to control my world by worshipping “efficiency” (not really theoretical for me) and the means of worship is having my phone and email “always on.”

So, for the next month, I am going to reflect/journal/blog on the issue of idolatry and allow God to lead me away from the things that I trust in more than Him.

Definition: idolatry is worshipping/trusting anything other than God (the issue of trust seems to be primarily related to the issue of control)

NOTE: the picture above is a tree stump in Africa that people “worship”

Do I Use God?

Last week, in our Community Group, we read through chapter 6 of a book called Sacred Romance by John Eldredge. In the opening paragraphs, he writes “many professing Christians end up living as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won’t, so I’ll be hanged if I’ll live as though he had to come through. I’ll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better. There is a simple word for this: godlessness. Like a lover who’s been wronged, we guard our heart against future disappointment.”

Ah, I didn’t like those words at all because they fit my life a little too well. I began to realize that much of what I call faith - is really just a hedging my bets kind of thing. “Of course, God is good and in control - so, whatever he does is just fine.” What I began to ponder is how this isn’t really any way to have a relationship with someone. If God is in control of everything, then he could stop or start anything from happening - and if something happens that is flat out painful — it might be something to speak to him about. The whole idea of being angry at God has always been a mystery to me and I think it’s because I’ve protected my heart, as Eldredge says. However, I should probably get a bit mad at God - and talk to him - and plead with him - and ask him tough questions. This would seem to be the nature of having a relationship with someone.

This all reminded me of a challenge from atheists that prayer is a crutch that Christians use and that it is really nothing more than self-fulfilling prophecy. The argument is that if you pray to a milk jug - you’ll get the same results as praying to God. If you pray for something and it happens, you say “thanks” to the milk jug. If you pray and nothing happens, you just say “I guess it wasn’t the will of the milk jug.” While this certainly isn’t how prayer should work, this is the example that many people live out their faith over and over again. We use God as a psychological crutch to feel like all is right with the world. And, atheists and others watch and are no more impressed than if they watched people pray to a milk jug.

So, rather than just (in a heart protecting way) accept the outcomes of life - I am compelled to begin to relate to God as if he was a person (and he is!) … asking, pleading, questioning, wrestling. Maybe, I’ll begin to experience a depth with him for which I long & just maybe people will see something more than “milk jug faith.”

Awakened

Over the last few months, I have found myself awakened in the middle of the night. This is incredibly strange because in 38 years of existence - I have never not slept well. I would sleep through the kids crying in the middle of the night when they were new-borns - I’ve slept through earthquakes in California - the list could go on. I don’t wake up … until recently.

And, when I wake up - there is something that God is doing in my heart. I sense Him calling me to Himself - calling me to trust Him - to find my satisfaction and contentment in Him. I know the drill - I know the theology, but the Father wants me. Believing certain things (holding to theological suppositions about the nature of life and the nature of God) is a starting point … however, it is becoming clear that the Father wants me. He wants my heart. It is so much less threatening to just hold onto theology and not let myself be held by the Him.

The last time I woke up at 3am - honestly, I watched TV and surfed the internet — trying to not think, not engage, not interact. But, tonight - I am undone, I am drawn to the Father and am being broken of my attempts to control life by mentally organizing and categorizing everything into nice neat packages that I can manage. I am ready to let go and be held by Him.

Awakened? No longer able to sleep through life … ah, awakened!