Julian of Norwich was an amazing woman who lived in the middle of some difficult circumstances to say the least, including the Black Death and Hundred Years War. She lived in a small annex attached to the church in Norwich, England and spent her days in prayer and giving spiritual counsel to those in the community. She wrote about her passion and longing for God. In his book, Water from a Deep Well, Professor Gerald Sittser recounts a central prayer of Julian’s:

“Julian asked God for three gifts – an understanding of the Passion of Chirst, a severe physical illness and ‘three wounds’ (true contrition, loving compassion, and longing for God). She believed that the experience of suffering would allow her to identify with the Passion of Christ and comprehend something of the magnitude of God’s love for her and the world.”

As I read her prayer, I am struck deeply by her longing to know (experience) God’s love. Certainly, she knew the theological underpinings of God’s grace but knowing intellectually didn’t satisfy her soul. She wanted to feel it down deep in her bones. I am challenged to the core by Julian’s passion and it leads me to several questions.

How much do I want to know God’s love? Enough to ask for a physical illness? Enough to not run from hardship becauase of what God might be doing in me through it? Enough to stop running after pleasure (seeking a new future, reclaiming something from the past, or simply deadening my experience of the present through activity)?

I do know that something of Julian’s passion resonates with me. I do know that when I am honest, I want God that much but then again I don’t. There is a part of me that says, “play it safe” and “you don’t really want God more than comfort and pleasure and good reputation.” As I survey the terrain of my soul, I realize that I am at the edge of a cliff and to jump will be the greatest thrill of my life (trusting that God will catch me and show me His glory in deepening ways) while to stay means that I will know of God but miss the depths. I realize that I’ll never talk myself into it (same as a real cliff). I just have to jump.

So, as I move into a new year, “I’m jumping Father. I want you more than physical health or any other material blessing. I want to know you – whatever it takes.”

At that, the angel disappeared, but that conversation left me changed forever. Imprinted on my soul was the truth that God had a plan for me. My life unfolded in a way that I would have never dreamed. Things happened that I would have never chosen. Things were glorious and amazing & things were hard. Things I would have never asked for but things I would never trade because being a part of God’s plan is better than any dream I could have ever dreamed … being used by God has been worth all the sacrifice.

I am thankful that I didn’t have to choose Him but He chose me.

Happy New Year! Sunday (yesterday) was the first day of the Christian calendar. The year begins four weeks before Christmas with the season of Advent. Advent is an opportunity to step into our longings and desires for something greater than ourselves … something greater than our hearts can contain. So, we spend a month living the story of waiting for a Messiah. There is an element of remembering the first advent (coming) and a reminder than there is a second advent (coming) of Messiah.

Part of the beauty of living in our longings is that we taste desire. Desire that is unfulfilled is part of the adventure, and part of the joy of knowing Christ. I found the following quote by author Peter Rollins especially insightful in terms of reflecting on Advent:

“We miss people we like when they are absent. But those we love, we miss all the more when they are present for their presence reminds us that their inner world is an untamed, uncharted universe we have yet to explore.”

As we truly love others and delight in them, we aren’t finally satisfied but we long to know the depths of who they are. Even more, as we experience the presence of God, we are propelled deeper into the desire of knowing and touching the Infinite One. Consider those tastes of the divine that you experience each day and let them propel you into longing for more. There is nothing about God that should leave us merely or finally satisfied for He is Infinite and even in eternity, we will live in the continual adventure of growing to know and love Him more deeply. Desire and love and not destinations but avenues for living according to our created design.

(Arizona, November 2011)

Again, the epiphany that I have absolutely no control over the events of life struck me deeply. As I began to ponder the reality of a sovereign God who controls all things and a good God who controls and guides with mercy and grace and care, I felt a deep sense of calm and joy. I began to think: what if I began to live this way? What if I began to live as though I really believed this? Certainly, I know and hold to be true that there exists a good, sovereign God but how often do I live in way that reflects this?

Life, it seems, is a lot like swimming in the surf of the ocean. Waves come one after another and I have no control over their intensity or frequency. I can stand up in the face of a breaking wave and bemoan the way it throws me over. I can try to ignore the waves and act like they aren’t there, all the while finding myself tossed around. I can spend all my time trying to predict the movements and base my life on how I think the waves will break. Or, I can learn to surf … living in rhythm with the waves that are sent my way.

I want to learn to surf. I want to learn to move in rhythm with the events of life that God sends my way. Ah, the freedom of realizing that I’m not in control!

Several years ago, Willard teamed up with Randy Frazee to develop a student version of this excellent work. Right now, I am about half way through reading this book with my son. It is amazing. It puts the journey of the heart pursuing Christ in terms that are easy enough for a 12 year old to understand yet pushes to depths that most adults don’t pursue. I feel like I am learning and being reminded of so much as we do this study, and my son is loving it as well. He asks to read it each night.

The focus of the book is understanding that life (decisions and actions) flows from our hearts, and God desires to transform our hearts – not our actions. A theme early in the book is that our actions don’t determine who we are, they reveal who we are. What a great thing for a student to begin learning and embracing from early on! What a great thing to be challenged with as an adult! And, what a joy to know that the Holy Spirit is powerful enough to change and renovate me no matter what things I’ve allowed to shape me in the past.

1. “Experiencing the Trinity” by Darrell Johnson

This book is short (roughly 100 pages) but packs a punch. It walks through how we were designed as humans to experience the Triune God. Giving a thorough background on the theological, Biblical background of the Trinity, Johnson dives right into passionately, concisely explaining how we can enter into that relationship that God has with Himself. The word that keeps coming to mind as I read and ponder this work is mind-blowing.

2. “Mansions of the Heart” by Thomas Ashbrook

In Mansions, Ashbrook answers so many questions that I’ve had for a long time. The concept behind Mansions of the Heart is that there are seven discernible stages to the spiritual journey. He borrows from the 500 year old work, The Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila, and explains that the goal of our lives is union with God and we get there only as we pass through these seven stages. There are active mansions and passive mansions along the way but the helpful part is that this book gives a roadmap for the journey.

3. “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb

From what I understand, the publishers didn’t like the title of this book but Dr. Crabb persisted and the seemingly negative title made it past the publishers office. So, while a book about “shattered dreams” might seem negative, it is one of the most penetrating, honest challenges to pursue the heart of God that I’ve read in recent years. Crabb writes this early in the book: “The problem sincere Christians have with God often comes down to a wrong understanding of what this life is meant to provide. We naturally and wrongly assume we’re here to experience something God has never promised. More than perhaps ever before in history, we assume we are here for one fundamental reason: to have a good time–if not good circumstances, then at least good feelings.” This serves as the back drop for explaining just what we are here for. In honest, pointed ways, Crabb explains that often God sits by and lets our dreams shatter (which seems bad or cruel or perhaps evil) so that he can give us a better dream … the dream of intimacy with Himself.

4. “Renovation of the Church” by Carlson and Lueken

Renovation is written by two pastors of a church in California that moved from a “production oriented” approach to church to a spiritual formation approach. Great, encouraging read for those who believe the church can be so much more than what we often see in Western culture. The church that is described in the book went from over 2000 in weekly attendance to about 700. However, far from being a tale of how to “crash” a church, its all about how to move a church deeper into God’s purposes for our formation into the likeness of Christ.

5. “The Way of the Heart” by Henri Nouwen

Borrowing from an ancient story about a monk’s call to a life of solitude in the desert, Nouwen explains the way that our heart connects with the Father. Through solitude, silence, and prayer, our souls can become still enough to enjoy the life of God and walk with Him closely. Even though a short book, it is packed with great insight and challenge.

On this particular day, I had taken the day off so I picked the kids up from school. When they got home, they both told me that they needed to go and get their homework done. Next, they helped each other get dinner ready and were generally kind and helpful. No arguing … no cajoling and bribing to do homework … just joyful interactions and responses. Throughout the rest of the day, I kept thinking, “It’s really easy to be a parent today.”

And as those thoughts came to my mind, I also began to think, “I wonder how easy it is for God to parent me.” Certainly, as an omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful being, ease is not an issue. It’s all “easy” for Him in one sense. But, then I thought deeper and wondered, “how much joy do I bring to God as His child? Do I bring God pleasure?”

I’ve often heard people talk about “pleasing God” and Hebrews 11 even talks about it being impossible to please God without faith. However, most of the discussion about pleasing God seems to center around the idea that God is generally displeased and there are things we can do to make Him happy with us. It’s easy to read the Bible that way. But just maybe, we’ve missed something about this “pleasing” idea that can be informed a little bit better with a quick theological reflection.

First, Romans 8:1 tells us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. In other words, we are already pleasing to Him. That is the basic stance that He takes toward us because of what Christ has done in us through His work on the cross. Second, based on this understanding, our reading of other passages which talk about pleasing God have to be informed by this basic sense in which we are already pleasing. So, I am pleasing to God and I bring joy to Him because I am His kid. But, then I am able to live in way that brings Him pleasure on top of that. It’s like icing on the cake. When I understand how much God loves me and is pleased with me, it takes all the pressure off and I can live for Him and trust Him as a response to His love. Hebrews 11:6 says that it is impossible to please God without faith, and so I can put the frosting on the cake as I trust Him and live by faith. He loves it when I trust Him – it brings Him pleasure, but not the kind of pleasure that He’s upset if I don’t. If I don’t trust Him, He still looks at me with a gleam in His eye but He longs for more for me.

When my kids act like the nine and eleven year olds that they are, I don’t get mad but I long for them to grow and mature. The Father longs for us to know Him in deep ways because that is where we will find our deepest joy. His pleasure is my pleasure. There is profound intersection of joy that sounds a lot like a real relationship.