Learning to Dance, Pt. 2

When I arrived at the School of Spiritual Direction (see pt. 1), I was immediately plunged into looking deep into my soul and I remember commenting to one of people in my triad that would meet together for the week, “we did sign up for this, right?” Larry Crabb’s contention, and I think he’s right, is that to connect well with others, we have to look inside at the motives and impulses that we bring to the table. And, we can’t take others where we haven’t been. So, we jumped into a triad where we began to share where we are.

I found myself sharing about a desire to learn how to rest. This, by the way, is a theme that Father has been talking to me about since 1999. One of the women in my triad, gently yet pointedly, said on that first day, “you seem to be an activity addict.” And my response was “well, I don’t know about that, but I can’t stop anytime I want.” At that point, I was nailed. I could see what I was saying and just how much I’ve developed an attachment/addiction to being busy. There would be more discussions and looking deeply at wounds and ways that my flesh had been shaped to try to manage life. Through the week, there was much learning and challenge and insight which was intense and needed and helpful.

On the last full day of meeting in our triads, our assignment was to write a vision statement for each of the other people in the group. The idea was to paint of picture of how we could see the Spirit of God moving in and shaping each person over the next year to five years. We shared our statements with each other and the themes of the two vision statements I received were similar. At the end of this time, we asked each other how we were impacted by what was shared. I was asked first and the only thing that came to mind was that I was irritated. I knew exactly what they would share and I just didn’t want to hear it. They both shared that their vision was that I would learn how to rest and be still before God without anything to prove. I wanted to hear something new because I’d been hearing that theme graciously given over the last twelve or so years and I hadn’t been able to deal with that issue.

Later that night we would have a banquet that would sum up the week. Each of us would have the opportunity to share how God had been at work in us. After our triad meeting, I went back to my room and spent some time in prayer, wrestling with God. One of the themes of week had been the concept that we don’t get rid of our attachments/addictions by trying to get rid of them but as we begin to live out of our deeper, stronger desire for Christ that was planted in us by the Gospel. That began to be the content of my prayer, telling the Father that I wanted to want Him more than all else. A time of repentance ensued as I confessed that I wanted to stay busy and active, addicted to performance and accomplishment. After all that prayer and wresting, I still didn’t feel any sense of joy or strong desire for Christ but just emptiness.

I went to the banquet and concluded that maybe Father wanted me to just be in place of emptiness for a while. I was ready to share that at the banquet. After a few people shared, I quietly asked Father, “do you want me to share?” “No” was the response. I prayed the same thing with the same response several times. Then, the two members of my triad got up and shared within 3 people of each other. What they shared released the passion of Christ in me and desire for Him in deep ways. Both of them shared that something I had said to them had impacted them deeply. It was so clear that the Spirit of God was at work in those situations and the Father used that to gently say, “See, you do desire me and relying upon me more than anything else.” A few people later, I asked Father again if I should share, and He said, “Yes. Now, you can share.”

I am grateful that I am learning to dance with the Trinity. Learning to listen and be led by the Spirit. It is THE joy in life, it is THE reason I am alive …


~ by Ted Wueste on June 27, 2011.

2 Responses to “Learning to Dance, Pt. 2”

  1. I’m so impacted by what you shared. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. No need for the mask. This account in an amazing picture of God’s pursuit of you and His desire for you to lay down all else in order to enter into the greater, sweeter dance. I’m so encouraged by reading this. Mac and I loved getting to see you for a small bit this weekend. It’s very encouraging and refreshing to be around you. We miss you…but this summer is a huge gift! Enjoy every minute. 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing your struggle and your drive to be more of Him and less of you. Sometimes the fear of what is inside causes us to be busy, to do things in His name, while we doubt and struggle with feelings of inadequacy. We believe the lie that if we exhaust ourselves into doing ‘good works’ then we will draw nearer to him. but as you demonstrated, we should ask before we take one step, because he has it all set up. when we inject our timing into the equation, then you rob from God’s plan and than have to admit – if we see it- that we do not trust Him. May God continue to allow you to practice lesson one in the Spiritual Formation Discovery. I believe Father will do a wonder thing within you. During your time of ‘blindness-Road to Damascus’ I pray you will hear His voice, that He will confirm His pleasure in you, that He will show you how to listen without feeling the need to run ahead of Him. Allow your Enthusiasm to serve Him be held back as you walk beside Him. Otherwise you will loose sight of Him. you will miss turns that will make you backtrack to Him. He has a plan and a purpose for you. savor in, swim in it. Allow him to be Commander in Chief and you are right hand man.

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